More Feelings in Your Soup

I guess I must talk about my feelings more. Namely, that I am sick of greying them out like I do; sick and angry!
I feel like folks schooled me in not having or expressing strong emotion. I am careful to keep all things very casual, including relationships, as everyone else seems to. Sometimes they are not casual for me and I feel very strong love. May I say so?

I talk with Lewis and sometimes I cry and he doesn't seem to mind. I cry because I'm scared, and I think of the past and I feel doubtful.

I try to keep in mind that I chose my life as it is now, and no one forced me to it. Nobody took away anything from me, either; I chose to end those things. I do not know if my reasons were good or not.

I taught myself all my life to be stoic in dramatic matters. It seemed really noble to me, since my parents were out of control. In relationships, too, and when others attempted to hurt me, I have always strived toward total nonreactiveness. "It doesn't matter," is a theme, but not neccessarily a real deep-seated belief that brings joy.

I've been around the block a couple times and I don't have the same naive as I did before, but I am still aching to experiece the marrow of life, and to go back and get at the blood and beauty of all the past situations, too.

I went to Millenium Park in Chicago, IL today and saw the two brick towers that water streams down. Each tower, on its facing side, has a video that runs of a child's face, mostly still but then moving in an expression. The two faces speak to each other or move and grin or sometimes spit water out.

Above the brick towers there is a balcony overlooking a restaurant's outdoor area and it holds a giant statue of a reflective bean/blood cell shape. The surface is so shiny as to look almost like a flat living photo of the things behind it. It is incredible.
It is a very good statue for a city because its outside surface shows a huge, curved panorama, but inside, as you walk under in the curve, it shows just yourself and your friends and you become the stars of the show. I think it nicely contrasts the way of being part of something extraordinarily large and the way that enables a total focus on just oneself and one's peers.