More Feelings in Your Soup

I guess I must talk about my feelings more. Namely, that I am sick of greying them out like I do; sick and angry!
I feel like folks schooled me in not having or expressing strong emotion. I am careful to keep all things very casual, including relationships, as everyone else seems to. Sometimes they are not casual for me and I feel very strong love. May I say so?

I talk with Lewis and sometimes I cry and he doesn't seem to mind. I cry because I'm scared, and I think of the past and I feel doubtful.

I try to keep in mind that I chose my life as it is now, and no one forced me to it. Nobody took away anything from me, either; I chose to end those things. I do not know if my reasons were good or not.

I taught myself all my life to be stoic in dramatic matters. It seemed really noble to me, since my parents were out of control. In relationships, too, and when others attempted to hurt me, I have always strived toward total nonreactiveness. "It doesn't matter," is a theme, but not neccessarily a real deep-seated belief that brings joy.

I've been around the block a couple times and I don't have the same naive as I did before, but I am still aching to experiece the marrow of life, and to go back and get at the blood and beauty of all the past situations, too.

I went to Millenium Park in Chicago, IL today and saw the two brick towers that water streams down. Each tower, on its facing side, has a video that runs of a child's face, mostly still but then moving in an expression. The two faces speak to each other or move and grin or sometimes spit water out.

Above the brick towers there is a balcony overlooking a restaurant's outdoor area and it holds a giant statue of a reflective bean/blood cell shape. The surface is so shiny as to look almost like a flat living photo of the things behind it. It is incredible.
It is a very good statue for a city because its outside surface shows a huge, curved panorama, but inside, as you walk under in the curve, it shows just yourself and your friends and you become the stars of the show. I think it nicely contrasts the way of being part of something extraordinarily large and the way that enables a total focus on just oneself and one's peers.

Greyed & Broken Links of Sky

I am longing. I spend a lot of time in analysis, in sputtering through past memories, but barely glazing their emotional surface.
The things in my near past bring warm tears to my eyes if I merely discuss them for a minute or two.
But for the most part, I am good at feeling nothing. Depression is 'nothing.' Anxiety is 'nothing.' But mostly, I spend my days feeling worn out, bored, and uncomfortable. These are not emotions. They are states of non-emotion.

I would like, perhaps, to feel again but haven't any idea how to start. I can tell you why I stopped. I reached the point where (through feeling my feelings & loving my self) I had moved beyond needing to experience many of my feelings. But since I did not stay there in that mental place, I returned and again had feelings, yet could not or would not acknowledge them. What is wrapped up in feelings? Joy, and sadness. I feel both of these, yet neither.

Inventory

I'd like to get two piercings in each ear w/ silver rings and one in my nose (right side); chest surgery and then get my chest tattooed with lines; more body hair (on my belly especially), be in very lithe and muscular with no body fat.

I am still so disoriented with this female body, no matter how I have tried to become used to it.

Hearts & wire & clover

I love you I love you I love you I love you

I had forgotten how to breathe lately
I still don't know how, completely.

I felt like life required batches of courage such that I was overwhelmed and left
beached and worthless, empty shell of courage on the tides.
I would cough up ocean-water and then the water would be swept away on its business on the other side of the world, and I would be drowning dry on this beach.
Is that really what happened? Did God go & abandon me, leaving me to find company
among mollusks and insentience?

I miss you I miss I wish you;

wings of desire; nod of knowledge,

Chicagoland

escaped from the parents in central maine, took a train to a city full of tracks
What is it about trains--perhaps they remind me of dinosaurs.

Is it fair to devote one's life to the complete study and knowledge of a scientific field of study, without pausing to take into account complex social or emotional issues?

Could I excuse myself into a life of studying paleobotany?