I haven't written in so long. Not sure why. I've been hopping along in my little life, wal-mart, bus, internet, school. I took the time out this early morning to read my journal again, and realized I'd neglected to write for months. I do write in my paper journal, but without great depth or length.
I fear that I've lost some talent for writing. Is it a loss of intelligence or a loss of self-assuredness? Is it a simple effect of the fear itself? For it seems directly triggered by it. I do endure periodic rounds of fear that my medication is causing a loss of intelligence, but I must not pursue that thought too much more.
Wal-mart is dulling me, making me a flat fig-leaf. At first it seemed it was doing something to me, something deep and great, not by virtue of its own virtues but as part of a process guided by God himself. I was beginning to feel some kind of stirrings of a connection between the spiritual and political, something I had not thought so possible.
Martin has been obsessing me a bit. I can't figure where to place him in my mind, this man whose intelligence and gentleness of mind feels akin to my own, yet who the baser aspects of my mind struggle with daily.
Perhaps I could make this oath to myself: that i will allow myself to be at whatever intelligence level I am at; to not criticize or condemn my own mind for not living up to my idea of its potential. I know the struggle is not yet over, and still everything appears as if it is on one side or the other.
There is the constant urge to evaluate (Judge); to think this or that, to pair or contrast or compare; It is quite amazing to see the tangled threads of mind I have developed (through little fault of my own) over the past years. I strive for no judgment, but it is not hard to be a bit surprised.
My desire for him seems to eclipse my ability to be with him in other contexts, to overwhelm me; and since I tend to judge harshly for oversexuality it becomes a bit trying. Let it suffice to say that I am turned on nearly all the time while with him socially, but especially when I have been away from him for some time. I know there is no shame in having sex with myself and that is a solution of sorts.
For so long The Parasite has been harsh on many aspects of myself and others, and my mental environment has resembled, at times, a battlefield of pain and blame. So many things are difficult when they 'seem' like they ought not to be.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
here on the island of misfit toys
My mother told me that I was going and fucking up my life yet again. Sometimes when she gets mad she abandons logic and begins to say things which I, in my best attempt at being impartial, find to be totally factually inaccurate.
Ruiz endowed me with this gift of impersonally taking things. I know, because of Ruiz, that nothing my mother said to me about me was because of me. The little itch-makers in my brain would have me bound to believe that it was because of me. The itchies really go for that stuff. Guilt, blame--complex, tangled webs of them, if possible.
I was blessed with two parents. My mother, at her core, is a vibrational strata of pure awareness, which is able to love without thought or condition. My father, at his core, is a vibrational strata of pure awareness which is able to love without thought or condition. However, acting within their respective mental frames, my mother believes that she wishes me to be protected from harm even if it violates my own wishes, and my father believes that he has utmost faith in my ability to thrive.
As such are my perceptions, I also imagine that my mother sees what she believes come true for me, and my father as well.
I, at my core, am told that I am a vibrational strata of pure awareness which is able to love without thought or condition...I believe this often.
Ruiz endowed me with this gift of impersonally taking things. I know, because of Ruiz, that nothing my mother said to me about me was because of me. The little itch-makers in my brain would have me bound to believe that it was because of me. The itchies really go for that stuff. Guilt, blame--complex, tangled webs of them, if possible.
I was blessed with two parents. My mother, at her core, is a vibrational strata of pure awareness, which is able to love without thought or condition. My father, at his core, is a vibrational strata of pure awareness which is able to love without thought or condition. However, acting within their respective mental frames, my mother believes that she wishes me to be protected from harm even if it violates my own wishes, and my father believes that he has utmost faith in my ability to thrive.
As such are my perceptions, I also imagine that my mother sees what she believes come true for me, and my father as well.
I, at my core, am told that I am a vibrational strata of pure awareness which is able to love without thought or condition...I believe this often.
Friday, September 26, 2008
I Live With a Paranoid Schizophrenic
Sitting down beside me, you
cup your head in your palms and rock
back and forth to comfort the aching of the wire
they implanted in your head so they could hear
your thoughts & maybe assassinate you on the street tomorrow
i go to reach for you, but i know better
right now, three thousand miles away, sixteen hundred
Canada geese rise in flight from the muddy gray waters
of the Columbia.
Tonight I will sleep twisted in my sheets,
my digital clock blinking out the hours,
the scent of rain in my dreams
In your room, you smoke your rolled cigarettes with trembling fingers
one finger on the dial of life, one poised over the dragon's mouth
like him, the Dragon, you too are too tired to sleep
like cigarettes
nicotine fingers
wet windowsill.
cup your head in your palms and rock
back and forth to comfort the aching of the wire
they implanted in your head so they could hear
your thoughts & maybe assassinate you on the street tomorrow
i go to reach for you, but i know better
right now, three thousand miles away, sixteen hundred
Canada geese rise in flight from the muddy gray waters
of the Columbia.
Tonight I will sleep twisted in my sheets,
my digital clock blinking out the hours,
the scent of rain in my dreams
In your room, you smoke your rolled cigarettes with trembling fingers
one finger on the dial of life, one poised over the dragon's mouth
like him, the Dragon, you too are too tired to sleep
like cigarettes
nicotine fingers
wet windowsill.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Being Pure & Fruitful
I aspire to learn more everyday
about surrendering to the Heart of Love
About giving up my personal will
to let others know how much I care
To understand more about my own emptiness
my shortcomings and inadequacies
in the name of giving my greatness
to the very Name of Christ.
about surrendering to the Heart of Love
About giving up my personal will
to let others know how much I care
To understand more about my own emptiness
my shortcomings and inadequacies
in the name of giving my greatness
to the very Name of Christ.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Clothed Females
Searching through Google images looking for body parts for composites, I found that a search for "naked male" returned a large number of results with naked men being touched, laughed at, looked at, penetrated, etc., by groups of laughing clothed women. Initially, I though that they were someone's semi-personal photos of bachelorette parties, etc.
Clicking on the images brought up whole galleries, most of which were denoted by the abbreviation "CFNM," Clothed Female Naked Male. The websites stated that this was a 'fetish' or 'niche' enjoyed by both men and women, involving...well, exactly what it sounds like.
The women in the pictures are often attractive, but they don't really look like they're on display. They're not neccessarily thin. Their clothing is sometimes businesslike, other times more like club or party wear. There are often a group of women, most of whom are looking on with bemused expressions on their faces. They look like they're having fun, and their main bond is to each other, not the man pictured. The men are often very cute and attractive, and shown with attitudes that range from smiles to apprehension. Many of the pictures are taken from parties and naked public events; others are staged for the sites.
One of the things that interests me about this niche, and these websites, is their wide lense; while they're often basically about male submission or vulnerability, they deviate from mainstream femme-dom scenerios pictured in pornography in a number of ways. Generally, femme-dom material produced for mainstream male viewers shows a vanillized version of a mistress/s, whose role of control is little more than an idea directed and controlled by male producers and viewers. Ideas of active female sexuality are being produced by males and according to male fantasies, this scenerio made slightly more distasteful by its "female domination" tagline.
#1 Google Image result for "femme dom."
Though there's probably a basic fantasy [in CFNM porn] that one's naked body will certainly inspire worship and probably cocksucking by a round of horny females, the power dynamics are different. Clothes, especially professional clothing, implies power and agency; nudeness, passivity and objectification. Normally, the clothing worn by the woman in a femme dom scenerio is itself fetishistic in some way, whether full latex in more specialized, serious BDSM pornography or slutty, revealing clothing in mainstream B & D. In CFNM, the fact of the clothing itself is fetish enough, further placing the females in active roles, but without the sharp delination of costuming and Mistress/sub relationship present in femme dom.
Oddly, that typical delination and sharp, stylized role-reversalin maintream femme dom often serves to reinforce the idea of the normalcy of male dominance. The fetish stems from the twist on power relations, the partial activation of the duality opposite to patriarchy, which, once reframed within patriarchy, becomes sexually exciting. That is, female dominance, encapsulated and repackaged as male titillation, can not only become more sexually exciting than male dominance (due to its manageable 'naughtiness,' or twist on standard dualities) but has negative political and social ramifications as well, since it allows and teaches males to contextualize expressions of female power within a male erotic framework.
I find CFNM interesting in its minor transcendence of this point.
Clicking on the images brought up whole galleries, most of which were denoted by the abbreviation "CFNM," Clothed Female Naked Male. The websites stated that this was a 'fetish' or 'niche' enjoyed by both men and women, involving...well, exactly what it sounds like.
The women in the pictures are often attractive, but they don't really look like they're on display. They're not neccessarily thin. Their clothing is sometimes businesslike, other times more like club or party wear. There are often a group of women, most of whom are looking on with bemused expressions on their faces. They look like they're having fun, and their main bond is to each other, not the man pictured. The men are often very cute and attractive, and shown with attitudes that range from smiles to apprehension. Many of the pictures are taken from parties and naked public events; others are staged for the sites.
One of the things that interests me about this niche, and these websites, is their wide lense; while they're often basically about male submission or vulnerability, they deviate from mainstream femme-dom scenerios pictured in pornography in a number of ways. Generally, femme-dom material produced for mainstream male viewers shows a vanillized version of a mistress/s, whose role of control is little more than an idea directed and controlled by male producers and viewers. Ideas of active female sexuality are being produced by males and according to male fantasies, this scenerio made slightly more distasteful by its "female domination" tagline.
#1 Google Image result for "femme dom."
Though there's probably a basic fantasy [in CFNM porn] that one's naked body will certainly inspire worship and probably cocksucking by a round of horny females, the power dynamics are different. Clothes, especially professional clothing, implies power and agency; nudeness, passivity and objectification. Normally, the clothing worn by the woman in a femme dom scenerio is itself fetishistic in some way, whether full latex in more specialized, serious BDSM pornography or slutty, revealing clothing in mainstream B & D. In CFNM, the fact of the clothing itself is fetish enough, further placing the females in active roles, but without the sharp delination of costuming and Mistress/sub relationship present in femme dom.
Oddly, that typical delination and sharp, stylized role-reversalin maintream femme dom often serves to reinforce the idea of the normalcy of male dominance. The fetish stems from the twist on power relations, the partial activation of the duality opposite to patriarchy, which, once reframed within patriarchy, becomes sexually exciting. That is, female dominance, encapsulated and repackaged as male titillation, can not only become more sexually exciting than male dominance (due to its manageable 'naughtiness,' or twist on standard dualities) but has negative political and social ramifications as well, since it allows and teaches males to contextualize expressions of female power within a male erotic framework.
I find CFNM interesting in its minor transcendence of this point.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)