Again and Again

I haven't written in so long. Not sure why. I've been hopping along in my little life, wal-mart, bus, internet, school. I took the time out this early morning to read my journal again, and realized I'd neglected to write for months. I do write in my paper journal, but without great depth or length.

I fear that I've lost some talent for writing. Is it a loss of intelligence or a loss of self-assuredness? Is it a simple effect of the fear itself? For it seems directly triggered by it. I do endure periodic rounds of fear that my medication is causing a loss of intelligence, but I must not pursue that thought too much more.

Wal-mart is dulling me, making me a flat fig-leaf. At first it seemed it was doing something to me, something deep and great, not by virtue of its own virtues but as part of a process guided by God himself. I was beginning to feel some kind of stirrings of a connection between the spiritual and political, something I had not thought so possible.

Martin has been obsessing me a bit. I can't figure where to place him in my mind, this man whose intelligence and gentleness of mind feels akin to my own, yet who the baser aspects of my mind struggle with daily.

Perhaps I could make this oath to myself: that i will allow myself to be at whatever intelligence level I am at; to not criticize or condemn my own mind for not living up to my idea of its potential. I know the struggle is not yet over, and still everything appears as if it is on one side or the other.

There is the constant urge to evaluate (Judge); to think this or that, to pair or contrast or compare; It is quite amazing to see the tangled threads of mind I have developed (through little fault of my own) over the past years. I strive for no judgment, but it is not hard to be a bit surprised.

My desire for him seems to eclipse my ability to be with him in other contexts, to overwhelm me; and since I tend to judge harshly for oversexuality it becomes a bit trying. Let it suffice to say that I am turned on nearly all the time while with him socially, but especially when I have been away from him for some time. I know there is no shame in having sex with myself and that is a solution of sorts.

For so long The Parasite has been harsh on many aspects of myself and others, and my mental environment has resembled, at times, a battlefield of pain and blame. So many things are difficult when they 'seem' like they ought not to be.