The last couple of days have felt brutal. I have arrived in Portland and my friend Zoe is at Broadway Crossings [the crisis unit of Ingraham].
If I am to have a lover, ze needs to be queer-not straight, not gay, not bisexual. I'm not sure I want to hold out any hope or expend any effort towards love whatsoever. Having sex usually means being compromised in some way or compromising someone else. An extended relationship with someone often means being eventually seen as female as the person sees more of my body, sees me in moments of weakness or emotion. This is especially confusing for me right now as I am in so much of a state of transition with my psyche, my gender, my life in general. But dating people who are very queer (usually genderqueer or trans themselves, involved in trans issues, interested in radical sexuality) has always been successful for me; everything else has not been. I want to be seen as human being who lives in a female body. This is even not correct, for I don't feel I live in a female body. How do you know I do? How do I know I do? My body exists in potentia when it is not known. If it happens to manifest as female at every recordable opportunity (ei. when undressing) that does not definitively prove its femaleness. I REALLY FUCKING HATE GENDER.
I feel very much in my body--very much female--today, and last night, and the sensation has been very negative and extraordinarily alien. I felt so male upon waking yesterday morning and this resulted in one of those hopeless sexual situations where each partner wants distinctly separate things and often have very different sexualities. I also-likely without reason- felt laughed at and not taken seriously in my masculinity/sexuality by Norm, and had a loss of self confidence. I feel awful, actually, and have since then. Everywhere I go, I do not want to interact with anyone, because I know I will only be seen as a woman. My body is so small and thin. If I have to be taken for a woman and told I am a woman and treated like a woman, can I at least feel like a woman? Could I at least appreciate things that I'm told come with being a woman? Could I at least understand womanhood? I want to go in the woods and make my campfire and cook my food and be around things that are sentient and green. I want the world to go fuck itself. Call me anything you want, I don't want to be a part of this anymore. I can't handle it.
Someone stole almost all of my food. Since it was stolen from Zoe's locked house inhabited by passively negative sentience, am I wrong in thinking that it may have been stolen by spirits? Or did I just put it somewhere and forget about it?
