Implicit Awareness

I am at the unique standpoint of being able to see my disintegration, to view the shards of what I had come to think of as my "being" washed away or pulled apart. I may very well be insane, or I may be a prophet of madness. I am at the point where I look at the illusions I have held before and no longer have to fight their truth as much; I look at them and they are not so true, and therefore are not relevant. Anna says, "..someday Brandon is going to be a great spiritual leader," and my ego somersaults in my stomach, does cartwheels in my ribcage.

I think of all the schizophrenic prophets and I wonder how I could be a great leader. I look at my softness, my worrisome thought processes, my dis-integration. I have hacked my way through a jungle, and I've wrecked a lot of beautiful vines, too. They grew back, though not in the same way.

I've changed in some ways and yet I haven't changed in any. There is a temptation to hold up the statement of not having changed as evidence of transcendence. It doesn't matter. What things I have felt are not personal to 'me'. I bow to them.

I miss Gregory. The secret of life is: "shhh...Listen!" I am an Idiot and a God.