Half-drowned but with Breath & Fruits of Fall

I am nothing. I used to be a person worth knowing. I was constantly painting, making films, devising direct action schemes, was a great lover & a good friend. People loved me; people wanted to know me. Now there is nothing. I believe my own family wants to get away from me sometimes. I no longer have a personality, a job, a position on anything, or goals of any sort. I no longer see or sense beauty. My friends are very few, and even around them I am uncomfortable, sensing that something is ajar in the composition of the physical and cognitive world.

At the height of my experience, locked up & away in the cat's tower, I considered how I had divorced myself from seemingly every aspect of my life and come to spend most of my days walking about weakly, or buried in bed, and an ironic female voice spoke to me: "If you DO nothing, you will BE nothing."

It was both an admonishment and an instruction.

I am at my mother's house. My future is an open-wide casket, which could be a calm resting place, shut away and safe. I feel hope growing drowsily inside me, like a flower opening. Once I understand that I can please no one with my development, where will I be, and what will I see? Such a deep dearth of love, beauty, realization and understanding, such a narrow shaft of light that I have available in my life, does admittedly have myriad positive effects. Those effects can perhaps only be realized once the shadow is lifted. It is like weaving a very small, threadbare peice of cloth in the dark. With so little to work with, I have learned to make each stitch of my work impossibly spare and perfectly ordered, so that come sun or rain or whatever season, I will no longer be swayed by the external temperature.

An added benefit of this that would be oh, so nice, would be if I could no longer give credence to whether another cares what I do or not, if the opinions of others could be like water under a very strong bridge. That is part of the reason I have moved off of Livejournal, to distance myself further from the readers of this journal. If they do read it, I want them to come to my own territory, my own website, to do so, since it creates a delicious sovereignty.